In The Wee Small Hours

Okay, being a parent does change everything. If, for nothing else, for the fact that your regular sleep schedule becomes anything but. I have been fortunate enough that MLW has taken on the lion's share of the overnight feeding duties so that I can be somewhat functional at my place of employment (or at least, you know, as functional as I usually am). But the first few days, when I was attempting to catch maybe five hours of sleep in a fold-out chair next to a drafty window and having a creature who is absolutely dependant on me (okay, not me specifically) for sustenance make her presence known every few hours reminds you that your life will no longer be that to which you were accustomed.

What I didn't expect was how I would react on an emotional level. The first couple days (and nights) we were back from the hospital, I went through a spate of what I could only later diagnose as free-floating anxiety. I wasn't eating all that much, was having difficulty sleeping even when I had the opportunity, and felt off-balance to the point that I was on the verge of tears the majority of my first day back at my job.

Of course, some of that is also tied up into the fact that MLW and I had to learn two new medical terms last week: Rhabdomyoma and Tuberous Sclerosis (TSC). And, worse, how the former relates to the latter. After meeting with cardiologists, a geneticist, pediatricians, and subjecting her to blood tests, sonograms, and EKGs we've determined...not much.

The one fact that has been established is that our baby girl has a (non-cancerous) tumor in her heart that isn't currently affecting her blood flow. In fact, it's entirely possible that even if her gene test indicates that she does have TSC, it may never have any serious effect. We have about five weeks to go before we find out the results of the gene test, but a preliminary sonogram has shown no signs.

So, add the stress of having a newborn, on (currently) one income, who might very well need to be monitored for the rest of her life, and you may get an idea of what the last week has been like.

But these are all negatives--as the picture in my previous post illustrates, she's an absolute beauty. Her eyes have opened, and having them stare at me with what could be interpreted as recognition is something I've never before experienced.